wow,my blog has gotten pretty boring haha

i think its probably because the stuff im thinking

i really dont want anyone to know

its easy to sound strong and be open and honest when

it doesnt require venurability on your part.

im sure im  not the only person with that problem

in fact im pretty sure everyone does...

so do you let yourself get hurt

or do you protect yourself at the expense of others

i dont want to hurt people.

venerability isnt weakness

to be weak is to be afraid

and in my experience, 

the people who are strong enough to let 

themselves be venerable have banished that fear

well i havent done this in a while... 

i like saturdays in general... im not sure i like 4th of july being on a saturday tho idk why... it combines two potentially good days into one  hmmm

anyways, my day is fairly dull... normally id have family stuff on 4th of july, but my dad is on call

and my mom is never in a very good mood when my dad is gone

its cute in a way lol i have to say, my parents are the only older people

i actually think of as still being a cute couple, its kinda funny

....

well ive decided that part of my life problems 

is that im extremely suspicious

... of everything, even when i dont have a reason...

my mother was oh so kind in informing 

me of this actually haha

apparently i always assume the worst of anyones 

intentions therefore im 

never dissapointed in people,

 but i fail to enjoy anything that is good

and my life is gonna suck unless i learn to 

let go a little and trust people

i think thats a slight exaggeration, 

but i guess i see where shes comming from

hmmm... ill work on it i guess lol

what else?

...............

im finding myself missing oregon :(  well friends there anyways

.................

i want to go to..... a lake

idk why... i feel like sitting on the front of a boat :) 

it would be amazing

ive been swimming allday tho... and i think im sunburned... 

im far to bored for my own good lol

 i also sat in this little blow up boat i have in my pool

 ahahaha i looked super cool

i need to find something to do yeesh

happy 4th of july :p

...i should make fireworks... we shall see 

hmmm.... it was a good day...

summer school = bleh as always

chipoltle = spicy haha burns my mouth :p 

friends = make any weird situation just funny

dita = able to detect my odd moods under everything

gym = mediocre today :/  haha run into random ppl 

katy = sore from yesterday & some random indescribable mood

...

so i was wondering

if stupidity is a choice is it really stupidity?

i think im just lying to myself if i think it isnt haha

but at the same time, if you know your doing something stupid

and you do it anyways, well at least you know what youre getting into

ugh i think im just fighting with myself haha 

well if nothing else it definately isnt naivety 

still a pretty lame excuse but w/e 

i guess ill just be stupid and live contentedly with that 

:)

so it just hit me today....  dude, its summer haha

im excited now :D  just this last week of boredom then fun :)

oh wow i feel so much better, telling the truth does that but honestly

this time it felt like i was holding my breath and then stabbing myself in the chest

haha but now i feel better, and hopefully things will get worked out 

....

so today i realized....

1.) i cant control other people in anyway, emotions actions or words

it isnt on my shoulders how they react to me its just who they are and i cant do anything about it

2.)  apparently people can actually grow on you haha weird

3.)  i miss sande! and jason! and everyone else in medford :( ... i realized it was really bad when i saw a picture of the gym door and almost started crying

oh god... i wish i was visiting :(  i miss everything about it right now.... i even miss frikin pine trees! and the lake :( and sigh

*i have a new thing to add to my list of things to do before i die*

its gonna be amazing!

well i was wondering what guy's self opinons are...

 do they think theyre straight forward, do they think theyre the easy nice ones?

i wonder if any guys actually know what girls think of them... 

then i realized that most guys hate pop music and dont listen to it at all

dont get me wrong... its not really my favorite either, but....

 if a guy were to actually listen to what some of the songs say, it would be a really really easy way to get inside a girls head....

because even though most girls deny it

most of those songs pretty much accurately describe

all the feelings we go through in a typical day.... 

you dont have to like the music... 

alot of girls dont either, but if youre curious

i would specifically recommend

kelly clarkson

pink

taylor swift

alexz johnson

avril lavigne 

miley cyrus

*and pretty much any other annoying girl artist that we all love to hate*

and its funny cause its the music everybody hates on and we all make fun of

but i can almost guareentee that pretty much all girls... who arent lesbian or off the deep end whores have feelings at least some of the time that can be described by those songs 

which basically boils down to you scare, anger, and confuse the hell out of us but for some reason we like you all enough to worry about it anyways lol

.... just a little fyi  there haha :p

wow, i feel torn in so many ways
i feel half completely content with life, and half like... achey?
half super happy half super annoyed
half hyper and half about to collapse
i feel like my head is spinning in circles haha
and im not sure thats such a good thing
oh well... tomorrows saturday, and that
for some reason always makes me feel
calmer :) 

1st day of summer!   :D

dude...  i say dude too much....  

my newest resolution is to stop saying

dude, fail, and like  so much... 

 i have a larger vocabulary than just 3 words, but

theyre the only ones i ever hear come out of my mouth... 

* like, dude... fail!* 

hahaha  w/e  ill work on that ;)

1st day of summer... i got lost... :(  tired to go to cathy's house... ended up somewhere in san bernardino and missed practice for marching ahaha wow i feel so cool right now  you have no idea

sigh... i want someone to throw a party...  hmmmm

maybe cathy and i shall .... we'll see....

ehhh  lets see....   missed marching practice, now... doing nothing... gonna go hang w/ e-crew.... and go to gym with dita...  and vespers?  si....

RHATHYMIA-  cheerful & carefree :)

hmmm.... im combining what i learned in history with what i learned in marriage and family... and i have to say, that i think if people would combine how human relationships work with how we deal with real life situations more, society might actually progress...

anyways

so we're talking about genocide, which is actually pretty interesting 

but the method that we use for dealing with it is retarded.

do you honestly think that punishing the person who did the crime... after the crime has already been committed  will 

1.  somehow make up for the human loss of life.... 239 + 1 doesnt = 0

its just another person dead

2.  prevent it from happening again?

there is a difference between punishment and disipline, this is where marriage and family comes in.   punishment is a nonrestorative, pain inflicting, and loss causing method of dealing with a problem.  disipline is directly connected to the event, restorative and helps the person learn from the mistake....

guess which one actually works, and guess which one is used most often.

punishment results in retaliation,  retaliation just results in more punisment... which then again result with retaliation....BRILLIANT IDEA

not so much.....

if you actually want to solve and prevent the problem, you have to get to the base.

is the base of genocide killing? no, if you wait till the killing starts then it is already too late.  the base problem is intolerance. for this reason, the punishment of one genocide will never prevent another from happening.  every situation is different and intolerance is so deeply imbedded that one will never see what they are doing as bad, they think that the other person deserves to die.  it is a lack of belief in base human worth.  if you can get people to see that their enemies are human and at the core have the same emotions and fears as yourself, one has eliminated the entire reason for genocide.

i would say that restorative justice and prevention are key.  yes, they take longer and yes maybe for a while more people would die, but over the course of time our world might actually get better, instead of continuing in a fear driven cycle.

and now i am laughing at the stupidity of the phrase "and then i realized this was a life or death situation"    ahahahahaha   really?   oh animal planet... never ceases to amaze me :)

if you want a slightly depressive outlook on people and life in general.... 

go look up turkish monarchs of the 1600's.... 

and russian monarchs before the 1800's...

and if you feel like you need more, go for

erzebet bathory of hungary (1575)

and vlad of walachia (1448)

hey there :)  im loving this weekend

friday was super fun and i got to hang out with alot of different people

saturday was amazing haha i got some of my favorite things in one day lol

i got to go rockclimbing and later hang out with friends :D

i went to church and actually had alot of fun, thanks :)

then i went out to joshua tree with mi familia and got to do alittle rockclimbing

which is always fun... the entire park was pretty much empty so it was even better

then i got back just in time to go have a lord of the rings marathon!  ahaha yea i know

im super cool ;)  but i had lots of fun lol they are some interesting people and make me

laugh pretty much non stop haha.... i didnt get any sleep at all, and am currently running on 

caffeine.... oh joy... addiction!  anyways, we'll see what else happens... no school monday :D

..............

hm...  so i need to do some thinking lol

basically that sums up my day haha

i let my emotions make too many decisions for me

but to some extent i think thats probably good, i will always be myself and always honest...

i just may get hurt alot....  we shall see

for the most part tho, i really like life right now... i like getting to know new people

duuuudddddeeeee  i love having my license!  :D   

hmmm... cant wait for summer,  government trip should be fun :)

lets see... i have figured out a couple of things...

1.  things go better when you dont think about them

2. i do the opposite of that and over-analize myself into oblivion

3. i dont actually trust very easily, but i forgive way too easily and care far too much

4.  me and shasta are on the same page about

    jesus wanting us to be nuns ahaha :p

hm... so this will sound completely cliche or dorky or w/e   but

my mom txted me this bible verse, and for once i actually thought about it

lol, anyways it says "be as clever as a serpent and as innocent as a dove"

i really like it.  innocence isn't always naivety.  being clever is good, but it shouldnt be used

against others.  you think of two types of people, and normally the clever ones use it to

their own gain, often at the expense of others, whereas the innocent kind ones are taken advantage of.  i havent met many people who are clever but not manipulative, because normally if one isnt self protective it is assumed that you cant defend yourself, which isnt true.  theres a difference between losing and choosing not to fight.   anyways, im not saying im really either of those, and im probably a little self protective, but hopefully i can work towards the latter.    

hm... well today didnt go so well

and yet im in a good mood?  hmm 

im super excited cause this photographer who does

senior portraits and ads and stuff asked me to be one of her representatives

so i get free pictures and go in her ads and and if i refer people i get money :D  

which means you should all go to her instead of house of portraits... 

she takes better pics anyways

anyways i have photoshoot next wed.  :D  yay

that made my day slightly better

beach vespers tomorrow!   lol i wish we were getting our year books

but oh well.... itll still be fun. 

you should all give me a rose ;)  haha

anyways then saturday and sunday ..... disneyland with debbie!!!!!!!   whoohoo   

it should be a fun weekend

*sigh*  

today sucked... 

im glad i have a couple of people who are close to me

ily  thanx shasta and debbie :) you always care when 

im upset...

idk... my mom is probably one of the smartest people i know... but

i really didnt want the relization she brought about...  everyone was right

... i was wrong, oh well... i shall get over it

seeing things for what they are sometimes hurts, but it helps us grow

and is always better for us in the end, i dont know what to do now though

sigh... again lol :/   

its weird, because nothing new actually happened today, i just came to realize alot

................................

well today was good and bad....

i did horrible on my chem quiz... which makes me mad because i understand it really well...

i just make stupid mistakes but all my work is right... ugh  

then blood drive... that was actually pretty fun...

hmm...  someone made my day better :)  but then they also made it worse

 ... people are confusing :/

well... random thoughts running through my head 

i was pretty out of it today....   i almost fell asleep in history lol

um i got to be the last person to finish my chem lab....  but i think i did ok on our quiz

well.... i get how to do everything anyways, if i fail its just because i tend to make lame mistakes on the calculator....

hmmmm  have you ever thought about how ugly of a species humans are?  i mean for being the most appearance conscious of all the animal species we definitely are the weirdest looking...  we're furless pinkish things that walk on two stick-like limbs which are accompanied by two floppy arms that hang disproportionately at our sides and have one small tuff of stringy fur comming out the top of our heads .... i wonder what other animals think when they see us  :p lol

oh what i was saying earlier about left/right brain is that they did this test where they found a guy where the left and right brain werent connected and basically  the left brain can only organize facts but has no was to apply them to situations so it just makes up stuff to justify it... basically the left brain will lie to itself about the world and see things that arent there just to fit the facts.... hmmmm   anyways im not saying only right brain is anybetter, but they have to be equally used together, the problem is that school only focuses on the left brain, particularly standardized testing and all it actually tests is our regurgitation ability which is stupid because what good are facts if you dont know how to apply them.... knowledge without understanding is useless.  it just reminded me because mrs yapshing got frusterated because our class was just spitting out answers from the notes instead of understanding the big picture, of course i was half asleep today and wasnt seeing either the big or small picture ;)   

it wasnt a good day, but there wasnt anything to make it bad, life is just bleh right now...  

the weekend will be such a relief :)

hm... my entire body just feels like its gonna collapse today

*sigh* i probably need more sleep and stuff

everyone was sorta eeh today, and when my friends are being grrr too, 

its not such a great mix...

i worry about some of them

anyways i need to find a ride home from school tomorrow cause my parents are ditching

me and im super cool and dont have my license yet...  

one more week... unless i fail, which i may lol   

i feel like my head is fading in and out of consciousness so yea imma go sleep now... possibly ;)

well... today was immensely boring
i didnt see very many people at school.... maybe everyone is sick
haha hopefully i dont get it... again
and then i got a lecture from my mom... ugh :(
she likes physcology far too much and tends to "help" or correct me
in my ways of acting or thinking before i even do them, and i reallly hate it grrrr...
apparently im "too guarded with my emotions" and stuff like that
...it was just a pretty lame day in general
anyways, hopefully tomorrow will be better

dude, im excited for beach vespers :) idk why, maybe i just like the beach... anyways it should be fun :p oooooh.... vespers this friday too huh?

...oh, but this morning i did learn some interesting stuff the effects of early childhood development on right vs. left brain dominance and how it changes how people veiw and deal with relationships.... ehhhhh ill talk about it tomorrow :D

wow, i had alot of people ask me if i was ok today haha
idk nothings really wrong, but nothings good... therefore its bad haha
and i think so much that i end up just confusing my self more ahhh  haha

anyways...  

in response to jordi, i see nothing wrong with the ideas of communism and socialism, because the base idea is great, the problem is that when attempted they tend to turn into cruel dictatorships....  

**i thought i should mention that i realize that with the exception of my values and what goes on in my head i am no better than the rest of the world, which makes me a hypocrite too,   but at least i think .... just haven't figured out the solution yet :)

well.... i start out all of these with that hahaha   anyways, i was thinking about intelligence today and it really bothers me that people consider others to be of different levels of "intelligence"  because it sorta messes with the whole idea of base human worth.  i understand that as we go on in life, our choices form us and do influence the way we think, so yes we develop intelligence in different areas, the idea that one way is valued more than another is retarded.  it sorta translates to jobs,  take  a farmer and a doctor,  which does society value more?  the doctor.  now imagine life with out doctors.... yes, we would probably die younger.   now imagine life without anyone to produce food.... we'd die in a couple of weeks.   so why is it that we value one more than the other?  it really bothers me.   i went with my sisters class on a field trip, and the tour guide pointed to a field where people were picking some vegetable and said " thats why you stay in school, so you can do something "important" with your life"  ....   wow, i wanted to slap him, what good is education if all it does is produce ignorant people...

no one would honestly admit it, but this society is horrified by the idea of actual equality, imagine what would happen if everyone had the same amount.... we'd all have next to nothing... theres something wrong with a society that accepts and embraces that.  we look down on the people who make our life possible, and somehow think that they deserve less than us? ....  

there is something very very wrong with all of this.....

well...  campout was  mediocrely interesting :)   

i like watching people interact .... 

its always funny when you think it over    

hmmm...  you see the worst of people when youre around them for 

3 days but then again you probably see some of the best haha

but wow, i was a little dissappointed with how some of my opinions 

of people changed.

 youd think that by being someone who has a brain and seemingly thinks some of the time, someone would be able to see the obvious, but apparently you can be thoughtful about some things and still be blinded by incredibly shallow things

when you think of people who seem to contemplate the big issues of the world, you'd sorta hope theyd get the basics down first.... 

although i suppose i really shouldnt be the judge of that considering i probably do it too and just dont see it...

hm...there were a couple of people who changed my opinion of them for the better though :)   although that may mean their opinions of me changed for the worse haha 

we shall see ;)

hola :D   

party last night... ehhh, dj sucked lol

ive decided i hate indecisive people, and flakey people

just so ya know, anyways... 

i should be coreographing 

for this cheer clinic im teaching.... 

which by the way you should all go to!

so yea, ill do that... and im making a dress its purple  yep 

and helping my dad make a swim deck for the boat :D

im in a pretty tranquil chill mood today which is always good

well....  i went to church today and sabbath school was immensely boring but afterwards i went to my parents sabbath school and ended up argueing with mrs. shilts husband for an hour and a half about all those base theological issues...that was interesting but he got mad and told me i shouldnt pick at the weaknesses in his arguments.... which doesnt make sense particularly since hes a lawyer.... haha  

....... 

if i dont find something else to do, party tonight :D

except i need a ride, ugh we'll see how this works out lol

i was right, i feel much better :)  sleep always helps haha

like i said, i like mornings 

happy sabbath :D

.......

well.... i wanted to go running, it always makes me feel better but unfortunately its 9:37 and ill die or something like that according to my parents...  its weird, i feel exauhsted and like i want to scream at the same time lol... music is currently keeping my sane,  i think im gonna go sleep...  ill feel better when i wake up, i like mornings, you get to start over :)  goodnight

...so today was pretty much one of those days where you feel like life is hopeless...   

i miss everyone in oregon :(  especially sande, i got to talk to her today though and it made me feel alittle better, but i miss the simplicity from when i lived there, but then i realize that even if i went back it wouldnt be like that anymore.... 

 

Maybe all this just comes with getting older which if you think about it is depressing 

because we dont really move forward as we get older, we learn to be defensive and suspicious and we're taught prioritize things that will never make us happy instead of realizing that its the very simplest things that have always brought us joy. 

 why?  does that make any sense?  

....no... we should be figuring life out as we grow older and enjoying it instead of corrupting the good that was already given us by trying to prepare to live some amazing life we'll never actually start.

and... heck yes! debbie mentioned me in her blog!  not in a very nice way but whatever....and i am NOT naturally brunette!   hahaha

.... party this weekend, that should be fun, but i need to find a ride...

..... i made a blog.... yep  by the way a katydid is a bug :)   ask shasta lol

anyways  today was pretty good and bad in a couple of ways

lunch was fun, i got to hang out with an oldish friend and he's pretty awesome and i was like, wow i missed hanging out with him and then 3 minutes later i wanted to kill him ahaha  hes an idiot  but i think ill forgive him. 

anyways recently im learning not to trust anyone, which isnt a good thing....