I've just stumbled across my own blog, yuck.

Written proof that change is good, hard, but good.

My current self should start blogging again...

Maybe I will, tomorrow or tonight, whenever procrastination calls.

wow,my blog has gotten pretty boring haha

i think its probably because the stuff im thinking

i really dont want anyone to know

its easy to sound strong and be open and honest when

it doesnt require venurability on your part.

im sure im  not the only person with that problem

in fact im pretty sure everyone does...

so do you let yourself get hurt

or do you protect yourself at the expense of others

i dont want to hurt people.

venerability isnt weakness

to be weak is to be afraid

and in my experience, 

the people who are strong enough to let 

themselves be venerable have banished that fear

well i havent done this in a while... 

i like saturdays in general... im not sure i like 4th of july being on a saturday tho idk why... it combines two potentially good days into one  hmmm

anyways, my day is fairly dull... normally id have family stuff on 4th of july, but my dad is on call

and my mom is never in a very good mood when my dad is gone

its cute in a way lol i have to say, my parents are the only older people

i actually think of as still being a cute couple, its kinda funny

....

well ive decided that part of my life problems 

is that im extremely suspicious

... of everything, even when i dont have a reason...

my mother was oh so kind in informing 

me of this actually haha

apparently i always assume the worst of anyones 

intentions therefore im 

never dissapointed in people,

 but i fail to enjoy anything that is good

and my life is gonna suck unless i learn to 

let go a little and trust people

i think thats a slight exaggeration, 

but i guess i see where shes comming from

hmmm... ill work on it i guess lol

what else?

...............

im finding myself missing oregon :(  well friends there anyways

.................

i want to go to..... a lake

idk why... i feel like sitting on the front of a boat :) 

it would be amazing

ive been swimming allday tho... and i think im sunburned... 

im far to bored for my own good lol

 i also sat in this little blow up boat i have in my pool

 ahahaha i looked super cool

i need to find something to do yeesh

happy 4th of july :p

...i should make fireworks... we shall see 

hmmm.... it was a good day...

summer school = bleh as always

chipoltle = spicy haha burns my mouth :p 

friends = make any weird situation just funny

dita = able to detect my odd moods under everything

gym = mediocre today :/  haha run into random ppl 

katy = sore from yesterday & some random indescribable mood

...

so i was wondering

if stupidity is a choice is it really stupidity?

i think im just lying to myself if i think it isnt haha

but at the same time, if you know your doing something stupid

and you do it anyways, well at least you know what youre getting into

ugh i think im just fighting with myself haha 

well if nothing else it definately isnt naivety 

still a pretty lame excuse but w/e 

i guess ill just be stupid and live contentedly with that 

:)

so it just hit me today....  dude, its summer haha

im excited now :D  just this last week of boredom then fun :)

oh wow i feel so much better, telling the truth does that but honestly

this time it felt like i was holding my breath and then stabbing myself in the chest

haha but now i feel better, and hopefully things will get worked out 

....

so today i realized....

1.) i cant control other people in anyway, emotions actions or words

it isnt on my shoulders how they react to me its just who they are and i cant do anything about it

2.)  apparently people can actually grow on you haha weird

3.)  i miss sande! and jason! and everyone else in medford :( ... i realized it was really bad when i saw a picture of the gym door and almost started crying

oh god... i wish i was visiting :(  i miss everything about it right now.... i even miss frikin pine trees! and the lake :( and sigh

*i have a new thing to add to my list of things to do before i die*

its gonna be amazing!

well i was wondering what guy's self opinons are...

 do they think theyre straight forward, do they think theyre the easy nice ones?

i wonder if any guys actually know what girls think of them... 

then i realized that most guys hate pop music and dont listen to it at all

dont get me wrong... its not really my favorite either, but....

 if a guy were to actually listen to what some of the songs say, it would be a really really easy way to get inside a girls head....

because even though most girls deny it

most of those songs pretty much accurately describe

all the feelings we go through in a typical day.... 

you dont have to like the music... 

alot of girls dont either, but if youre curious

i would specifically recommend

kelly clarkson

pink

taylor swift

alexz johnson

avril lavigne 

miley cyrus

*and pretty much any other annoying girl artist that we all love to hate*

and its funny cause its the music everybody hates on and we all make fun of

but i can almost guareentee that pretty much all girls... who arent lesbian or off the deep end whores have feelings at least some of the time that can be described by those songs 

which basically boils down to you scare, anger, and confuse the hell out of us but for some reason we like you all enough to worry about it anyways lol

.... just a little fyi  there haha :p

wow, i feel torn in so many ways
i feel half completely content with life, and half like... achey?
half super happy half super annoyed
half hyper and half about to collapse
i feel like my head is spinning in circles haha
and im not sure thats such a good thing
oh well... tomorrows saturday, and that
for some reason always makes me feel
calmer :)